The Cimmerians are in the thick of battle against a rival clan. The wife of Corin (the clan’s leader), who is pregnant, is mortally wounded in the fighting. Surrounded by a bloody, brutal struggle, they decide to bring the child into the world: Conan. Even as a small boy he shows his gifts as a warrior. His father teaches him to forge what will be his sword. But the village is attacked by warriors led by Khalar Zym, who capture his father and torture him in front of Conan. They’re looking for a piece of an ancient mask, forged by sorcerers, that would let its owner rule the world. In the past the Cimmerians had won the mask and split it into pieces, which they shared out among the different clans. Corin refuses to hand over his. But when they find it, they leave Corin tied above a pit of white-hot fire, held by a rope that Conan is gripping. His father’s life depends on him, but exhaustion and the pain of his wounds mean he can’t save him. Twenty years later Conan is fighting as a mercenary. Khalar Zym’s forces have spread across most of the land, and Conan recognises one of the warriors who was present at his father’s death. The revenge begins…
What have we got?
- A remake of Conan the Barbarian that reinterprets the original Conan mythology, rather than the film.
- Gore, blood, guts and plenty of action.
- Jason Momoa (Conan), who in a role similar to his Game of Thrones one (Khal Drogo) shows promise for this kind of part.
- Ron Perlman (Corin), the classic voice of action video games, known for Hellboy and more recently as a mobster in the magnificent Drive.
- Seven years in development after the failed attempt at a third Conan film with Schwarzenegger (he was elected governor in 2003), with attempts by the Wachowskis (The Matrix) and Robert Rodriguez (From Dusk Till Dawn, Grindhouse), among others.
What haven’t we got?
- Justified 3D (like most films).
- A script (like most 3D films).
How does it turn out?
True, the first film wasn’t famous for its script. But the story made sense, the characters were at least minimally worked out, the setting was fitting (most of it shot in Spain) and it had an epic soundtrack. Even Arnold seemed a good actor! It was a fantasy, mythological story with explicit violence and action. Here the sets are full of colours and imaginary places, the fights are more elaborate, and there’s a lot of blood and healthy doses of gore. The problem is that none of it feels justified: the fantasy and mythology are diluted by the lack of work on the script. It lacks spirit, essence. Why does he fight? It gives the impression that it’s more for pleasure than for revenge, and it doesn’t change much over the course of the film. The story doesn’t help either. After witnessing his father’s death, we see Conan twenty years later, smiling and triumphant, fighting as a sort of mercenary. Suddenly he sees someone and is in a rush for revenge, as if it were unfinished business he has to settle before getting on with his life. It all adds up to an inconsistent story made in a hurry. As if they had all the ingredients for this film (you don’t need many) and hadn’t given it enough time.
In short, another film for a hungover day, for switching off, for a nap. Perhaps for teenagers. As alternatives: Machete (high levels of gore and black humour), The Expendables (lots of deaths) or Kick-Ass (lots of action and comedy).
Dispensable.